There are days when I just want to go away. Without anybody. Without anything. Go somewhere where there is nothing but clear skies and me. Sometimes I wonder if I could even go somewhere and leave me behind too. Cuz I can get on my own nerves sometimes. I’m tired of being in situations where I feel emotional, frustrated, angry, upset, blah blah blah yet I don’t even know why. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s somebody else.
I’m getting better at managing those moments. Those 5-30 seconds when I just want to get away. Since I’m usually unable to get away I tend to lash out at the first person in my sight, in the situation, or in my “way” of getting “away.” I really hate myself in those moments. It’s not who I am. But it’s so hard for me to realize in those moments because all I want to do is lash out. For whatever reason. If there even is a reason.
I’m not a vindictive person. At least I like to think so. And I’m not evil. I’m not saying I never have evil thoughts or never have done a few evil things. But at the end of the day – often even right after walking away from the situation – my heart is filled with guilt. My conscience is loud and strong 99% of the time and I’m not too good at ignoring it.
The part that sucks though is that I feel like that 1% of the time (or whatever it may really be) plays a huge role in how I’m defined. Or rather, how I define myself. But I never want to be defined as somebody who almost always cares. Or as someone who almost always has a generous heart, or almost always has a peaceful frame of mind, or almost always has an optimistic outlook. That’s not cool.
Last night I went to church and I got to thinking about how blessed I am. Besides the “success” that I have achieved in my life this far, I have been blessed beyond belief with the people that have been placed around me. My teachers, my family, my friends (in the true sense of the word), some acquaintances and even strangers (at times). My pastor was talking about blessings and he mentioned something that hit home a bit for me. He said that many people, amongst their many other personal trials, probably had to push through lots of negativity last week. I sat there and thought for a moment. You know that I couldn’t think of a single time when I’ve had to deal with negativity in my life? Now don’t get me wrong. By today I’ve thought of a few but none of them were significant enough for me to have remembered in that moment. I mean, I’ve been through rough days and periods but most of them, if not all, were really consequences of my own personal actions and/or thoughts. Growing up, I have only had lots of love, support, and praise thrown at me for the things that I did. I’ve been blessed with parents who faced tremendous obstacles so that I could follow on a path already cleared by their strength and tenacity. Emotionally, I’m blessed. Academically, I’m blessed. Professionally, I’m on my way to being blessed. Financially, I’m blessed (because I’m not struggling). And Spiritually, I’m beyond blessed. What else is left?
So I have a new goal. A new way for living my life that. In all situations, I have to remember that I’m blessed. In all situations, I have to remember to be blessed. I will no longer allow those 5-30 seconds to overcome my blessed spirit. I aim to be optimistic throughout every situation. I’m seeking balance in my life which means taking life as it comes and relieving my spirit of the burden of stress. And lastly, I am seeking the perfect peace that only God can provide.
It’s a huge work in progress my friends, but I’m on my way. Anyone care to join me?
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